Living Your Best Life Yet
By: John Denvert
By Deborah Moskovitch
There's a story I often share in the hopes that it inspires and empowers others. I call it: "Reframing your thoughts to create the best life yet."
It's about how my engagement ring changed from a symbol of love as a couple to a symbol of self-love. I know what you're thinking: This sounds cliched, and this divorce coach and educator is just one more flake trying to sell swampland in Florida. But allow me to start at the beginning.
Deciding to divorce was second only to the pain of telling my eldest child that his parents were divorcing.
A week after the birth of my youngest child, I learned some facts about my marriage which were about to turn my world upside down. I won't reveal the awful particulars, except to explain that they involved financial and emotional betrayal of which I was completely unaware but starting to suspect.
But 18 years later my world is not only sunny-side up but also a whole lot brighter and very fulfilling. I'm living my dreams.
I'll never forget that fateful day, about a week after my third child was born. I tried to buy diapers for my son and my credit card was declined, yet again. The humiliation I felt when I approached my car empty-handed, while my parents and baby were waiting for me, was devastating. There is usually a breaking point that causes people to make difficult decisions. And that episode was to be the start of mine. It was the low point that began my catalyst for change.
I believed in the sanctity of marriage whether in good or bad times. I grew up fairly sheltered, with tunnel vision and naivete. The "D" word never existed in my vocabulary and I was determined to stay married. I made my life about my children. But all that unraveled that fateful day when my diaper purchase was declined-the day when I realized that the trust, communication, and honesty were gone from my marriage.
I cried myself to sleep for a year, still pondering on the decision to divorce. It wasn't until after a year of soul-searching, therapy, and digging myself out of the abyss of guilt that I finally decided to tell my husband that our marriage was over-the third most painful experience of my divorce.
The rest of the details are not important. As I speak so candidly about divorce, many often ask for details about my own. And while those might make for a B-movie, I strive for maturity and reason. I pride myself as a parent who tries to put her children's best interest first and have made a personal pact-never say or write anything that I wouldn't want my children to hear or read about.
I became embroiled in an "emotional divorce" that caused my "legal divorce" to keep the file burning for seven long years. And what did I get? I got saddled with legal bills and other divorce-related expenses large enough to have bought the home of my dreams. But in the end, I also achieved enough wisdom to help me rebuild my life and achieve my dreams.
The Two Sides of Divorce
I learned many valuable lessons along the way. There are two sides of divorce to wade through-the emotional divorce and the legal divorce. Divorce is uppercase Emotional, and if not managed properly, it can wreak havoc on the legal process.
It would be really satisfying if the two elements could be handled one after the other-that is, first you could spend a few years dealing with the emotional issues, and then, once your heart and head are clear, you could go through the legal process. However, the truth is that emotions and legal processes can't be clinically separated, and usually have to be managed at the same time. It takes maturity and resolve to do what is really right.
As I began to move on with my post-divorce life, I met lots of wonderful divorcees. But for many, there was a recurring theme of despair, disappointment, and sadness. I didn't want to be like that. I wanted to be focused, hopeful, and confident. It was this determination that was my game changer. I decided that I would write a book about divorce.
My book would be different. It would share my pain so that others could heal from the lessons. It would share the wisdom of North America's foremost divorce professionals so that others could be empowered with knowledge and avoid my mistakes. And that is how my book, The Smart Divorce, was conceived and written.
So, by now you must be wondering how this story has anything to do with reframing my thoughts. Well, my diamond engagement ring sat in my safety deposit box for 10 years-the shattered symbol of love, hope, and promise. But when I received the publisher's advance for writing The Smart Divorce, I decided to rethink what that symbol of love, hope, and promise meant.
I took part of the money I received in advance for the book to a jeweler to redesign and reset my engagement ring. That diamond ring has now become my "empowerment ring" and a new symbol of love, hope, and promise, but with an entirely different connotation.
Love-of myself, Hope-of having a fulfilling and good life, andPromise-to empower me to be a role model for my children and others to move forward with focus, hope, and confidence.
Who would have thought that, when I said those words "I want a divorce, " 18 years later I would feel that I'm living the best life yet.yet? I've rethought what a meaningful life really means, reframed my dreams, and felt empowered.
About the Author
Deborah Moskovitch is a Divorce Coach supporting people in achieving a positive outcome from their divorce, for a happier and healthier future. She understands divorce because she has been through her own seven-year struggle that ended more than 10 years ago.
Since then, she researched and shared proven strategies and advice from 100 of North American's top divorce lawyers, financial advisors, counsellors and other experts in her best-selling resource book, The Smart Divorce (2007).
Responding to the demand for "neutral" support, Moskovitch founded her company, The Smart Divorce to provide informative resources, support coaching and powerful education tools to empower and free people during this difficult time. As a Divorce Coach, she provides private one-on-one coaching, events, and other unique divorce support services for individuals and for organizations across North America.
Moskovitch is a public speaker and media contact who is in frequent demand. She has been interviewed on more that 40 television and radio shows, and is widely quoted in Canadian and U. S. Print and online publications. She holds degrees in economics and business administration from Toronto's York University.